I have my faults as does everyone. I can be a raging bitch. I drink too much. I don't like cleaning up after anyone but myself and I honestly don't exactly enjoy that. Sometimes my fuse is short and sometimes I put up with way too much shit. I think about bringing my kids cat to a no-kill shelter on almost a daily basis because I'm sick of being the only one that takes care of her. When I make a meal (unless it's for company) I expect someone else to clean up after. I'm not creative in the bedroom and I can't pick a favorite color.
I have many more faults that I can't list at the moment and I'm sure that others could accurately add to my list... but I am more than my faults and I know I have more good qualities than bad.
There is one particular fault I'm talking about here though.
When I fall in love I dismiss all warning signs that it could be or is a toxic relationship. I lose all reason in those first few months.. in those months I'm not seeing a person for who they really are, I'm seeing the version of themselves that they present to me... that's the version I fall in love with. It's fake. It's my uninformed vision of who they are.
When I start to see him for who he really is it's too late for me.. I already have this idea in my head of who he is so when behaviors or habits start to show themselves, I ignore them. Racist, sexist, aggressive, nothing is their fault, violent, the lack of empathy and compassion, pessimistic, paranoid.
I don't exactly ignore those things but what I do is think that if I'm patient the man I thought he was will come back. It never happens though. No matter how patient I am, no matter how sweet, no matter how well I take care of him it doesn't go away... of course it doesn't, it's who he is.
After 3+ years I should have known better. After a lifetime of experience I really should have known better...
If I love him enough he'll stop hurting me... that's the big fat lie I tell myself. I'll never make the same mistake again... ever
a year ago yesterday
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