I want to cook
I want to write
I want to cry
I want to smile
So hard.
Not hard like difficult, so hard like a want, a desire, a need....
I want to cook so hard, no one seems to feel it like I do. I get so excited about making a dish and when it's just for me it's awesome. Like RIGHT NOW, I am SO enjoying this late-night meal! Like BIG TIME. Cooking for other people can be such a disappointment... "onions are gross", "stuffing makes me puke", "I don't like chocolate chips" or "ewe, mushrooms" jeez, do you guys even food? ... whatever... I'll just make this meal production in seven different ways to please you... UGH
I want to write. For me it can be the best, most wonderful way to say what I need to say. Even if no one reads the damed stuff. It's a self soothing, therapeutic, healing way for me to work through big events and identify silly hormonal shifts. It gives me an outlet to say what I need to say when I don't really need to say it to anyone in particular. Also, in the end, I've let my fingers dance over the keyboard with enough freedom that I've probably acknowledged something I've been avoiding or accidentally stumbled across some deep rooted belief that's been holding me back somehow... BOOYA
I want to cry because well.. I don't really *want* to but it cleanses the soul and resets all the frustrations and complications that I feel in the moment.. sometimes I can't help it, I just cry over dumb things... I cry over small nothings, like someone doesn't want chocolate chips in their strawberry, chocolate chip waffles or there are big changes afoot, someone is pressuring me to do something outside my comfort zone or I can't help move the couch because my stupid fingers are small and I can't get a stupid grip on the stupid thing. Fucking hormones. GRRR
I want to smile.. and I will damnit.. I smile every time I hear him laugh. I smile at the sound of the ocean, the colors of fall and the I smile every time I can hear my neighbors celebrate.. I smile every time their sons ask if I need help with my groceries, every time their fathers make a comment about the weather, every time their daughters get dirty at the playground and every time their mothers shyly say hello wrapped in their hijabs. Best neighbors I've EVER had.
I want to hear
I want to see
I want to feel
I want to be
So hard.
But I'll leave those for another day.
