I can take it

I haven't felt this anxiously ill in almost a decade; can't eat very much, can't catch my breath, can't stop the evil butterflies in my stomach, the fist around my chest or the surprise tears. Something is most definitely wrong. I wish I knew what it was... come on Universe, just break it to me... I can take it and I know I'll feel better after.

Waiting for what exactly?

Okay, I've been thinking and have come to realize that for most of my life I've been waiting for the "right time" to start "living" and I've been screwing myself over this whole time thinking this way.

A couple examples:

"I'll get my license when I can afford a car"... that one kept me from driving until I was 25.

"I'll be able to work more when the kids are grown"... this thought is still tripping me up.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is WHAT THE FUCK am I waiting for?? Okay, so it's unlikely that I can snap my fingers and tomorrow I'll wake up in a nice house with the man of my dreams. But I can quit all this "waiting-for-the-perfect-time" shit and just DO IT. I can save money today, I can give all my love today.. I can make small changes today that will echo into tomorrow (aahhh... remember this from a couple weeks ago?)...

With a little change and a little faith I'm on the road of life.. not to life.. this is life, it's time to actively participate :)

Look out

... so this might be a woe-is-me moment as I type with one hand and eat the Almond Joy that's been squashed in the bottom of my purse for two days with the other...

It's very clear to me that I need to make some changes and I've been dancing around what I think is the heart of the matter by emptying my apartment of junk I don't use often enough to justify keeping it.

How is it that a person can know, or at least have a good idea, of what needs to be addressed, but still be afraid to address it? 

idfk. my candy bar is gone and so am I... for now

Making room

A few months ago I did a spring (actually summer) cleaning at home and removed TONS of useless clutter, I'm talking half a dumpster full of junk and a station wagon filled to the roof for Goodwill. I think it's time for a fall cleaning; I look around and there's still SO much in my home that is unused, clothes that don't fit, items collecting dust or things that I'll repurpose 'someday'.

It felt so good to have less than before, but now I see I still have more than I need/want.

It's time to make space. How else will there be room for change in my life if I don't de-clutter my head and home?

Time to get the junk out!

Get at me, bro(Change)!

When you know what you want out of life, what you want to do, where you want to live and who you want to be, how do you GET there? How long do you wait for it to happen on its own? Will it happen on its own? Do you nudge things along or do you shove them? Is it happening behind the scenes and you just can't see it yet? I feel like it's time for changes, good changes.. Let's go Changes, I'm SO ready!

I'm thinking it's probably happening already, one seemingly small choice yesterday starts changing today just a little.. one more small choice today sets in motion small changes that will come tomorrow and so on...

Sometimes it's difficult for me to remember that what I focus on, think about and really FEEL comes to me. I get so caught up in over-analyzing the details sometimes that I miss when things happen... or my over-analyzing takes a negative turn and that's all I see (and get)... negativity. Big things don't change overnight, lots of little things can take a while too. It seems like the best thing to do is be grateful on a daily basis for the good things that have already come my way and really think and behave 'as if' what I still want I already have.

I have greatness in my life already and there are still great things to come.... I think I need to make a list, it's awesome to see things I want come to me when I have the right attitude :)

Changes are coming! Big ones!