so I drink.

I had a piece of toast late this morning, then at 2:30 I had my first of a still undetermined amount of beers on a very empty stomach... I've been trying (well attempting to try but really just feeling guilty that I'm not trying hard enough) and I shouldn't have even checked to see if Killians Irish Red was on sale when I was at the store.. but I did... and it was...

so I drink.

At first drinking was just social... then a way to unwind with my boyfriend; later it was mostly psychological, I "needed" it to relax out of habit at that point. Now it's psychological and scarily physical. When I don't drink my head hurts, heart pump harder, my legs are jumpy and my hands are shaking by 4:30 then I can't sleep at night; I can't seem to just have one so I cave. I'm old enough to purchase alcohol, I have money in my wallet, I want it and no one is here to talk to and help me work myself out of it. And so it goes.

so I drink.

I'm unhappy and the first couple drinks helps me to dismiss, temporarily, what I'm thinking/feeling, at least that's what I've apparently convinced myself of.. but it doesn't take long for the alcohol to amplify the very thoughts and emotions I was trying to avoid in the first place... I feel like even more of a failure, even more alone.. even with people in the room with me, still no one to talk to. No one to understand how I'm feeling, no one to look at the bright side, no one to plan a future with...

so I drink..

I'm a social person.. what I mean is I like to talk to people, the right people, not just anyone... sorry. when I'm working I get to know my co-workers and I let them see who I am... outside of work I have a small variety of personalities to mingle with and get to know... that's the way I like it... but these days I don't speak to anyone. all. day. long. I'm silent and alone. I feel trapped but can't seem to muster the motivation to do anything about it. None of my usual people are available and the one that is available still isn't really available; it feels like no one cares. I have no one to talk to and it's driving me crazy.. I'm not happy at all, about anything...

so I drink.

I've talked to friends about it, my dad, my boyfriend... I think I've done as much as I can to call out for help besides having a complete breakdown or having a drunk-driving accident. (I don't drink and drive anymore thanks to this perverse addiction; it's cheap and easy to drink at home.. it's not for your safety or mine, I do feel bad about that, really) Dad has been around more lately and is very supportive but somehow it's not the same as having in-house support... it just seems like the people I live in close proximity to would care the most? I guess not...

so I drink.

I started counseling (a nice step in the right direction, I think) and at the first meeting we made a high estimate of how many bottles of beer I drink in a week, 70. The goal was to cut that in half, 35... I said, feeling somewhat optimistic, let's go with 30! *bubbly smiley face*  Honestly, I would have said 40 if I had remembered I was going out on a boat that coming weekend to watch the fireworks, just because I knew I would probably be drinking more than usual being a social environment and all. I didn't meet my goal of 30... it was more like 40-45ish... certainly less than 50...  better than 60 or 70... it still feels like a failure...

so I drink.

I decided to go back to school... Bachelors in Environmental Science seems like a good choice.. I am more than interested in the subject and have studied it a bit while I worked on the Associates in Business degree... I know I can do it and I know I can do it well... that's what I told myself last week anyway.. now I'm not so sure I can stop drinking so my brain works right... I KNOW I CAN DO IT!.. but I can't do it like this... I'm such a disappointment...

so I drink.

I'm trying to stay positive.. I'm trying to do better.. I'm trying to find something to do.. I'm trying to cope in a healthy way.. I just don't think I'm trying hard enough.. I reach out and try to just be my own strange version of "normal" and it doesn't work. I feel bad the only meaningful daily conversations I have are with my 15yr old son (and it's not his place to help me) which makes me feel worse...

so I drink.

tomorrow will be another day... another day being hungover, disappointed and self-sabotaging.. another day that I can't talk to anyone, I won't be heard or understood... another day that I won't answer the phone, another day that I'll accomplish nothing... another day that I know nothing in my life is right...

so, tonight, I drink.