I've been having a tough few days; somewhere in my head I'm revisiting the past... I'm not living there, but it's there, running in the background when my mind in on autopilot, I catch myself every once in a while lately.
I'm grateful for all the distractions and tasks this week, I need them.
If you had asked me a year ago how life was, I would have said everything was great, I would have said that I was very happy and looking forward to the future. I also would have been lying through my teeth. Everything was terrible and I was more alone, anxious, fearful, depressed, disappointed, trapped, confused and more lost than I can remember ever having felt before.
A year ago I probably had the most terrifying night of my life.
I'm not one to play meek... usually. I'm not entirely un-confrontational usually either... But that night? that night I was sweet as pie, I said all the things that usually calmed him down, I pretended to be asleep, told him I wanted to just talk about anything... not fight. But that just made him more angry. He wanted to fight. No matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't going to be right so I ended up fighting for my life.
It was a nightmare. I can sometimes still feel his hot screaming breath and the spit on my face, I can still feel the hits to the head and feeling helpless with his hand around my neck and the pillow over my face.
I can feel the heat of my face and the sick trembling in my whole body trapped in the corner of the room.. I can feel the ache of a broken bone filling out the police report and the tightness in my stomach and the stab in the chest for weeks after.
I sometimes can't believe how different things are now. I've never felt as safe, respected and loved as I do now.
Hard times teach hard lessons.
Thank you, Love, for showing up exactly when you did... I understand now that maybe I needed to have the worst to appreciate the best.
