I want to cook
I want to write
I want to cry
I want to smile
So hard.
Not hard like difficult, so hard like a want, a desire, a need....
I want to cook so hard, no one seems to feel it like I do. I get so excited about making a dish and when it's just for me it's awesome. Like RIGHT NOW, I am SO enjoying this late-night meal! Like BIG TIME. Cooking for other people can be such a disappointment... "onions are gross", "stuffing makes me puke", "I don't like chocolate chips" or "ewe, mushrooms" jeez, do you guys even food? ... whatever... I'll just make this meal production in seven different ways to please you... UGH
I want to write. For me it can be the best, most wonderful way to say what I need to say. Even if no one reads the damed stuff. It's a self soothing, therapeutic, healing way for me to work through big events and identify silly hormonal shifts. It gives me an outlet to say what I need to say when I don't really need to say it to anyone in particular. Also, in the end, I've let my fingers dance over the keyboard with enough freedom that I've probably acknowledged something I've been avoiding or accidentally stumbled across some deep rooted belief that's been holding me back somehow... BOOYA
I want to cry because well.. I don't really *want* to but it cleanses the soul and resets all the frustrations and complications that I feel in the moment.. sometimes I can't help it, I just cry over dumb things... I cry over small nothings, like someone doesn't want chocolate chips in their strawberry, chocolate chip waffles or there are big changes afoot, someone is pressuring me to do something outside my comfort zone or I can't help move the couch because my stupid fingers are small and I can't get a stupid grip on the stupid thing. Fucking hormones. GRRR
I want to smile.. and I will damnit.. I smile every time I hear him laugh. I smile at the sound of the ocean, the colors of fall and the I smile every time I can hear my neighbors celebrate.. I smile every time their sons ask if I need help with my groceries, every time their fathers make a comment about the weather, every time their daughters get dirty at the playground and every time their mothers shyly say hello wrapped in their hijabs. Best neighbors I've EVER had.
I want to hear
I want to see
I want to feel
I want to be
So hard.
But I'll leave those for another day.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Everything happens for a reason...
I've been having a tough few days; somewhere in my head I'm revisiting the past... I'm not living there, but it's there, running in the background when my mind in on autopilot, I catch myself every once in a while lately.
I'm grateful for all the distractions and tasks this week, I need them.
If you had asked me a year ago how life was, I would have said everything was great, I would have said that I was very happy and looking forward to the future. I also would have been lying through my teeth. Everything was terrible and I was more alone, anxious, fearful, depressed, disappointed, trapped, confused and more lost than I can remember ever having felt before.
A year ago I probably had the most terrifying night of my life.
I'm not one to play meek... usually. I'm not entirely un-confrontational usually either... But that night? that night I was sweet as pie, I said all the things that usually calmed him down, I pretended to be asleep, told him I wanted to just talk about anything... not fight. But that just made him more angry. He wanted to fight. No matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't going to be right so I ended up fighting for my life.
It was a nightmare. I can sometimes still feel his hot screaming breath and the spit on my face, I can still feel the hits to the head and feeling helpless with his hand around my neck and the pillow over my face.
I can feel the heat of my face and the sick trembling in my whole body trapped in the corner of the room.. I can feel the ache of a broken bone filling out the police report and the tightness in my stomach and the stab in the chest for weeks after.
I sometimes can't believe how different things are now. I've never felt as safe, respected and loved as I do now.
Hard times teach hard lessons.
Thank you, Love, for showing up exactly when you did... I understand now that maybe I needed to have the worst to appreciate the best.
I'm grateful for all the distractions and tasks this week, I need them.
If you had asked me a year ago how life was, I would have said everything was great, I would have said that I was very happy and looking forward to the future. I also would have been lying through my teeth. Everything was terrible and I was more alone, anxious, fearful, depressed, disappointed, trapped, confused and more lost than I can remember ever having felt before.
A year ago I probably had the most terrifying night of my life.
I'm not one to play meek... usually. I'm not entirely un-confrontational usually either... But that night? that night I was sweet as pie, I said all the things that usually calmed him down, I pretended to be asleep, told him I wanted to just talk about anything... not fight. But that just made him more angry. He wanted to fight. No matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't going to be right so I ended up fighting for my life.
It was a nightmare. I can sometimes still feel his hot screaming breath and the spit on my face, I can still feel the hits to the head and feeling helpless with his hand around my neck and the pillow over my face.
I can feel the heat of my face and the sick trembling in my whole body trapped in the corner of the room.. I can feel the ache of a broken bone filling out the police report and the tightness in my stomach and the stab in the chest for weeks after.
I sometimes can't believe how different things are now. I've never felt as safe, respected and loved as I do now.
Hard times teach hard lessons.
Thank you, Love, for showing up exactly when you did... I understand now that maybe I needed to have the worst to appreciate the best.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
trust me ;) I'm a Jessologist!
"I am consciously aware that I am unconsciously building a wall against what I fear could happen next, and I can't stop it."
~Jessica Jollotta (that is a direct quote from me, talking to myself, out loud, again...)
I've been studying Jessology with Awareness for roughly 6 years now and it has been a somewhat enlightening path. However, there is always the Voice that whispers sarcastically, "if you're so enlightened why do you still cause yourself such suffering?" Imagine the frustration that came with the realization that just acknowledging your habits or rituals is not enough to change them.
The Voice often asks important questions that should be addressed, but most of the time is a real ass hole... it seems to enjoy creating the illusion that there is a threat somewhere or compounding any negative thoughts which turn into unpleasant feelings which creates more negative thoughts and so on... the downward spiral. (we'll talk about the upward spiral another time)
It has been brought to my attention in recent months that, in all my self-studying, I failed to notice how much of an expert naysayer I had become; Ouch. **Keen eye, Ladd.** I wish you could see this! The Nopeology text is enormous! (It has every excuse you could imagine for not taking some kind of action. The expression "every excuse in the book" yeah, THAT book.) I'm carrying my copy of this obnoxious book around all the time! How do I not notice that I'm always using it?!
BUT there's this small pamphlet someone read to me once or twice that could turn Nopeology on it's ear with a few simple questions to squash any naysaying almost immediately. I need to get my hands on a copy of that little gem ;)
Okay, okay, I'm done with this foolishness.... for now
~Jessica Jollotta (that is a direct quote from me, talking to myself, out loud, again...)
I've been studying Jessology with Awareness for roughly 6 years now and it has been a somewhat enlightening path. However, there is always the Voice that whispers sarcastically, "if you're so enlightened why do you still cause yourself such suffering?" Imagine the frustration that came with the realization that just acknowledging your habits or rituals is not enough to change them.
The Voice often asks important questions that should be addressed, but most of the time is a real ass hole... it seems to enjoy creating the illusion that there is a threat somewhere or compounding any negative thoughts which turn into unpleasant feelings which creates more negative thoughts and so on... the downward spiral. (we'll talk about the upward spiral another time)
It has been brought to my attention in recent months that, in all my self-studying, I failed to notice how much of an expert naysayer I had become; Ouch. **Keen eye, Ladd.** I wish you could see this! The Nopeology text is enormous! (It has every excuse you could imagine for not taking some kind of action. The expression "every excuse in the book" yeah, THAT book.) I'm carrying my copy of this obnoxious book around all the time! How do I not notice that I'm always using it?!
BUT there's this small pamphlet someone read to me once or twice that could turn Nopeology on it's ear with a few simple questions to squash any naysaying almost immediately. I need to get my hands on a copy of that little gem ;)
Okay, okay, I'm done with this foolishness.... for now
Saturday, January 2, 2016
not-so-fuuny bone
It was bad. I've never been that scared before. I needed help and help came. Help came with it's own set of consequences.
I didn't know my heart had a 'funny bone'. At the top of each breath my heart sends out this painful tingle over and over and over again... it's like someone pulls the ground out from under you with each breath.
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