... no, this has nothing to do with Nike...
I've missed writing, I probably have tons to say, but when pen hits paper, or my fingers perch on the keyboard there's nothing coming out.. so this is me "just doing it" no matter how boring it is. Sorry.
I'll start with this: I've been unemployed for more than a month. After some unfortunate events, my previous place of employment closed their doors and I was laid off. While I was anxious about it at first I thought this would be a nice time to take a "break" for a little while. Summer is coming, I've got some money saved and there's unemployment as I search for work between reading those books I meant to read, taking those photos I meant to take and catching up with those friends I meant to catch up with. But you know what? I haven't cracked one book, haven't taken one photo and, go figure, my friends are busy working during my 'prime' hours. I'm bored out of my mind. Everyday.
I think, starting on Monday (of course) I'm just going to get up early; sleeping until 8, 9 or 10:30am isn't doing me any good. I'm sluggish and lazy. I surprise myself if I'm showered and dressed by noon. Boredom is infuriatingly addictive; not that I enjoy it, I just don't know what to do with myself all day. I make lists at night, lists of the things that will at least get me off the couch the next day, if not out of the house; I rarely cross anything off those lists. I mean the dishes usually get done and I keep up with laundry but I hate myself like this. I'm totally disgusted with myself really.... which unfortunately leads me into this gross loop of doing nothing and feeling terrible about it, swearing to myself tomorrow will be different, sleeping too late and getting up feeling sluggish & lazy then doing nothing all over again. It's a very disappointing loop that, for some reason, I can't/won't/don't break free of; I know it all depends on ME yet I'm not taking much action to change it. Maybe just getting up at 6am will help... maybe.
I like having a life with a schedule. I don't mean that I want every hour of every day set in stone; I just need consistency in my routine I guess. I like going to work and knowing it will be the same schedule next week and the week after that and the week after that. I have WAY TOO MUCH free time right now and I don't know what to do with it. That's not true, I know what I should be doing but my self-loathing loop takes over from the moment I open my eyes and it takes a lot of effort to shake it... apparently more effort than I'm willing to put in lately.
Well, that was actually kind of easy. Let's see if I can keep going.
I bought a vaporizer 7 days ago because I really do want to quit smoking; it works pretty well and I do enjoy it. I've also bought 4 packs of cigarettes in the last 7 days, which is better than the 7 packs I would have bought in a normal week I guess (a small success), but I still count it as a failure when I smoke a butt. The vaporizing "juice" has nicotine in it so it does get rid of the urge to pull combusted chemicals into my body however, when stress gets high (or after a few beers) I want an actual cigarette; after a few more beers I chain smoke like a... well, like a chain smoker. It's not good. I wake up feeling like shit from all the butts and as a double-whammy with too many beers I'm soooooo dehydrated; this of course throws me into the sluggish, self-loathing loop mentioned above.
I'm well aware that the more I drink the more I smoke; I tried to quit both at the same time and that was just... well, unsuccessful, obviously. I've had 2 butts and 3 beers since I started writing... either because I drink fast, inviting more cigarettes or because I stop writing often to re-read and edit, take your pick, they're both true.
There was a time that I wrote everyday... honestly, sometimes belligerently, emotionally, sometimes entertaining, sometimes boring to readers... but it was therapeutic for me to work it out, put it down and get it out there... maybe this is just what I need right now.
