Turning 25+10… one I'll never forget to remember

I remember how terrible I felt as my 30th birthday grew closer and closer and closer; I was freaking out my whole 29th year and when the big day hit…. I was fine, I had a great time with great friends and I've been fine ever since.. almost.

The past couple of months, as I approached 35, the familiar freak out was happening again. I decided to try and 'get over it' and got ready to go do some shopping; what I discovered in the parking lot took my mind off getting older. Sometime during the day before the big B-day a sanding truck had backed into my car, leaving more than a couple big dents & scratches and shattering the back windshield. So much for forcing myself to feel better; I went inside and sobbed. Not cool.

My first thought when I woke up the next day wasn't about my birthday, it was about my car; how am I going to fix this? What if they just deny it and their insurance doesn't pay? How am I going to get around? Am I going to make it to see my family on Christmas? Where do I start?

I know this is starting to sound like a tragic birthday story, it's not though. I had a fantastic day.

The girls at work helped to make my shift full of goofy giggles and nice surprises. Keith met me at the end of my shift with his second load of thoughtful gifts; the icing on the cake was a sweet handwritten note. Also Brian is eventually going to do the dishes for me, we call them "birthday dishes". All of this was wonderful and I'm grateful to have such cool cats in my life making my day better than it would have been.

But I've got to say, there is one person that took the proverbial cake and made everything so much better and easier to deal with concerning the car; my cousin (and State Farm lady) Audra. I won't get into the nitty-gritty of everything but she got things moving right along where I was hitting walls. I was able to relax knowing that everything was going to work out, it was a HUGE load off my shoulders; the best birthday gift I could have asked for (except maybe that handwritten note ;) ). THANK YOU AGAIN AUDRA, YOU'RE A ROCKSTAR!!

So just two days after the discovery of the damage, my car has been towed off for an estimate & repairs and I'm sitting pretty in a 2013 Dodge Charger for a while. Who wants to go for a drive?

Missing Parts

I miss my friends. I miss my art. I miss writing.

I don't know what I've been doing for a long time now.
I don't know what happened that I don't CREATE anymore.
I don't know why I don't vent/ explain/ share here anymore.

I don't feel whole anymore.
I don't feel needed anymore.
I don't feel loved anymore.

I need to make time.
I need to reconnect.
I need to reevaluate.

I love knowing what I'm doing and where I'm going.
I love feeling complete.
I love being connected.

I can take it

I haven't felt this anxiously ill in almost a decade; can't eat very much, can't catch my breath, can't stop the evil butterflies in my stomach, the fist around my chest or the surprise tears. Something is most definitely wrong. I wish I knew what it was... come on Universe, just break it to me... I can take it and I know I'll feel better after.

Waiting for what exactly?

Okay, I've been thinking and have come to realize that for most of my life I've been waiting for the "right time" to start "living" and I've been screwing myself over this whole time thinking this way.

A couple examples:

"I'll get my license when I can afford a car"... that one kept me from driving until I was 25.

"I'll be able to work more when the kids are grown"... this thought is still tripping me up.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is WHAT THE FUCK am I waiting for?? Okay, so it's unlikely that I can snap my fingers and tomorrow I'll wake up in a nice house with the man of my dreams. But I can quit all this "waiting-for-the-perfect-time" shit and just DO IT. I can save money today, I can give all my love today.. I can make small changes today that will echo into tomorrow (aahhh... remember this from a couple weeks ago?)...

With a little change and a little faith I'm on the road of life.. not to life.. this is life, it's time to actively participate :)

Look out

... so this might be a woe-is-me moment as I type with one hand and eat the Almond Joy that's been squashed in the bottom of my purse for two days with the other...

It's very clear to me that I need to make some changes and I've been dancing around what I think is the heart of the matter by emptying my apartment of junk I don't use often enough to justify keeping it.

How is it that a person can know, or at least have a good idea, of what needs to be addressed, but still be afraid to address it? 

idfk. my candy bar is gone and so am I... for now

Making room

A few months ago I did a spring (actually summer) cleaning at home and removed TONS of useless clutter, I'm talking half a dumpster full of junk and a station wagon filled to the roof for Goodwill. I think it's time for a fall cleaning; I look around and there's still SO much in my home that is unused, clothes that don't fit, items collecting dust or things that I'll repurpose 'someday'.

It felt so good to have less than before, but now I see I still have more than I need/want.

It's time to make space. How else will there be room for change in my life if I don't de-clutter my head and home?

Time to get the junk out!

Get at me, bro(Change)!

When you know what you want out of life, what you want to do, where you want to live and who you want to be, how do you GET there? How long do you wait for it to happen on its own? Will it happen on its own? Do you nudge things along or do you shove them? Is it happening behind the scenes and you just can't see it yet? I feel like it's time for changes, good changes.. Let's go Changes, I'm SO ready!

I'm thinking it's probably happening already, one seemingly small choice yesterday starts changing today just a little.. one more small choice today sets in motion small changes that will come tomorrow and so on...

Sometimes it's difficult for me to remember that what I focus on, think about and really FEEL comes to me. I get so caught up in over-analyzing the details sometimes that I miss when things happen... or my over-analyzing takes a negative turn and that's all I see (and get)... negativity. Big things don't change overnight, lots of little things can take a while too. It seems like the best thing to do is be grateful on a daily basis for the good things that have already come my way and really think and behave 'as if' what I still want I already have.

I have greatness in my life already and there are still great things to come.... I think I need to make a list, it's awesome to see things I want come to me when I have the right attitude :)

Changes are coming! Big ones!

The Neglectful Artist

I've been feeling like I've lost focus lately; putting too much energy into one thing while neglecting other things. When I say "lately" I mean YEARS. It's nobodies fault but my own.

I lost my drive for art... well I didn't really lose it, but I haven't had space in my head for it. I've tried and tried, getting excited about one idea or another.. talking it up, gathering all my materials... but nothing. I end up staring into space, checking my phone, hanging out with friends, being distracted by the kids and then end up looking at the mess in front of me, all those little pieces of stuff that I've gathered and I have a hard time making anything.

I tried to get organized yesterday and it didn't work out for reasons I can't explain exactly. But then my good buddy Robyn showed up and basically said, "hey, let's get all the stuff you're NOT USING out of the way and into storage" that's not really a direct quote, but that was the idea. She helped me get some junk out of the way and motivated me to clean up my space. It's not clean yet, but it's on its way :) of course I got distracted but have actually been productive in that distraction. Thanks Robyn! Couldn't have done it without you.

I'm excited to say that (I think) I'M BACK!! haha!

Till next time, if you have a fun idea, go with it... just make sure you have the space in your place (and your head)

Stay Tuned

I've got a lot to say, but no time right now... I think it's time to start jotting things down again, it really did help to get it all out......until later