The Wall

My soul hurts a bit tonight and I'm not sure why yet... that's not true, I have an idea...

But if I know me, and sometimes I do, it will come out before my fingers are done dancing across the keyboard... you might not know it, but I will have a glimpse of clarity... no matter how disturbing

I'm out of practice with this whole "blogging therapy" thing, so be patient.

I can feel something bubbling, just beneath the surface of consciousness, that will rip me to shreds.
I can hear something whispering, but not loud enough to comprehend.
I can taste something that lingers, it brings me to tears.
I can't see it yet... it's been hidden for years and years.
I need to figure this out before it swallows me whole.
But how do I address it without losing control?

I have these... moments... when if it's my idea, it's great... if it's not my idea, I hate it and after?... lately, I lose control, I can't help but break down; but he sees through my thick skin...

I'm a tough chick, I can take a lot of shit without losing it... I can take all these shitty moments and still keep it together. But he looks at me and can see right through The Wall.

I realize I'm not being specific here, and I don't find it necessary at the moment to be specific, so deal with it... suck it up buttercup, just like I do every day... this is MY blog, not yours. MY process. MY therapy.

That's all for now

:) have a nice day!

Time to come clean

I thought it was about time that I came clean.

I have my faults as does everyone. I can be a raging bitch. I drink too much. I don't like cleaning up after anyone but myself and I honestly don't exactly enjoy that. Sometimes my fuse is short and sometimes I put up with way too much shit. I think about bringing my kids cat to a no-kill shelter on almost a daily basis because I'm sick of being the only one that takes care of her. When I make a meal (unless it's for company) I expect someone else to clean up after. I'm not creative in the bedroom and I can't pick a favorite color.

I have many more faults that I can't list at the moment and I'm sure that others could accurately add to my list... but I am more than my faults and I know I have more good qualities than bad.

There is one particular fault I'm talking about here though.

When I fall in love I dismiss all warning signs that it could be or is a toxic relationship. I lose all reason in those first few months.. in those months I'm not seeing a person for who they really are, I'm seeing the version of themselves that they present to me... that's the version I fall in love with. It's fake. It's my uninformed vision of who they are.

When I start to see him for who he really is it's too late for me.. I already have this idea in my head of who he is so when behaviors or habits start to show themselves, I ignore them. Racist, sexist, aggressive, nothing is their fault, violent, the lack of empathy and compassion, pessimistic, paranoid.

I don't exactly ignore those things but what I do is think that if I'm patient the man I thought he was will come back. It never happens though. No matter how patient I am, no matter how sweet, no matter how well I take care of him it doesn't go away... of course it doesn't, it's who he is.

After 3+ years I should have known better. After a lifetime of experience I really should have known better...

If I love him enough he'll stop hurting me... that's the big fat lie I tell myself. I'll never make the same mistake again... ever

a year ago yesterday

so I drink.

I had a piece of toast late this morning, then at 2:30 I had my first of a still undetermined amount of beers on a very empty stomach... I've been trying (well attempting to try but really just feeling guilty that I'm not trying hard enough) and I shouldn't have even checked to see if Killians Irish Red was on sale when I was at the store.. but I did... and it was...

so I drink.

At first drinking was just social... then a way to unwind with my boyfriend; later it was mostly psychological, I "needed" it to relax out of habit at that point. Now it's psychological and scarily physical. When I don't drink my head hurts, heart pump harder, my legs are jumpy and my hands are shaking by 4:30 then I can't sleep at night; I can't seem to just have one so I cave. I'm old enough to purchase alcohol, I have money in my wallet, I want it and no one is here to talk to and help me work myself out of it. And so it goes.

so I drink.

I'm unhappy and the first couple drinks helps me to dismiss, temporarily, what I'm thinking/feeling, at least that's what I've apparently convinced myself of.. but it doesn't take long for the alcohol to amplify the very thoughts and emotions I was trying to avoid in the first place... I feel like even more of a failure, even more alone.. even with people in the room with me, still no one to talk to. No one to understand how I'm feeling, no one to look at the bright side, no one to plan a future with...

so I drink..

I'm a social person.. what I mean is I like to talk to people, the right people, not just anyone... sorry. when I'm working I get to know my co-workers and I let them see who I am... outside of work I have a small variety of personalities to mingle with and get to know... that's the way I like it... but these days I don't speak to anyone. all. day. long. I'm silent and alone. I feel trapped but can't seem to muster the motivation to do anything about it. None of my usual people are available and the one that is available still isn't really available; it feels like no one cares. I have no one to talk to and it's driving me crazy.. I'm not happy at all, about anything...

so I drink.

I've talked to friends about it, my dad, my boyfriend... I think I've done as much as I can to call out for help besides having a complete breakdown or having a drunk-driving accident. (I don't drink and drive anymore thanks to this perverse addiction; it's cheap and easy to drink at home.. it's not for your safety or mine, I do feel bad about that, really) Dad has been around more lately and is very supportive but somehow it's not the same as having in-house support... it just seems like the people I live in close proximity to would care the most? I guess not...

so I drink.

I started counseling (a nice step in the right direction, I think) and at the first meeting we made a high estimate of how many bottles of beer I drink in a week, 70. The goal was to cut that in half, 35... I said, feeling somewhat optimistic, let's go with 30! *bubbly smiley face*  Honestly, I would have said 40 if I had remembered I was going out on a boat that coming weekend to watch the fireworks, just because I knew I would probably be drinking more than usual being a social environment and all. I didn't meet my goal of 30... it was more like 40-45ish... certainly less than 50...  better than 60 or 70... it still feels like a failure...

so I drink.

I decided to go back to school... Bachelors in Environmental Science seems like a good choice.. I am more than interested in the subject and have studied it a bit while I worked on the Associates in Business degree... I know I can do it and I know I can do it well... that's what I told myself last week anyway.. now I'm not so sure I can stop drinking so my brain works right... I KNOW I CAN DO IT!.. but I can't do it like this... I'm such a disappointment...

so I drink.

I'm trying to stay positive.. I'm trying to do better.. I'm trying to find something to do.. I'm trying to cope in a healthy way.. I just don't think I'm trying hard enough.. I reach out and try to just be my own strange version of "normal" and it doesn't work. I feel bad the only meaningful daily conversations I have are with my 15yr old son (and it's not his place to help me) which makes me feel worse...

so I drink.

tomorrow will be another day... another day being hungover, disappointed and self-sabotaging.. another day that I can't talk to anyone, I won't be heard or understood... another day that I won't answer the phone, another day that I'll accomplish nothing... another day that I know nothing in my life is right...

so, tonight, I drink.

Just do it

... no, this has nothing to do with Nike...

I've missed writing, I probably have tons to say, but when pen hits paper, or my fingers perch on the keyboard there's nothing coming out.. so this is me "just doing it" no matter how boring it is. Sorry.


I'll start with this: I've been unemployed for more than a month. After some unfortunate events, my previous place of employment closed their doors and I was laid off. While I was anxious about it at first I thought this would be a nice time to take a "break" for a little while. Summer is coming, I've got some money saved and there's unemployment as I search for work between reading those books I meant to read, taking those photos I meant to take and catching up with those friends I meant to catch up with. But you know what? I haven't cracked one book, haven't taken one photo and, go figure, my friends are busy working during my 'prime' hours. I'm bored out of my mind. Everyday.

I think, starting on Monday (of course) I'm just going to get up early; sleeping until 8, 9 or 10:30am isn't doing me any good. I'm sluggish and lazy. I surprise myself if I'm showered and dressed by noon. Boredom is infuriatingly addictive; not that I enjoy it, I just don't know what to do with myself all day. I make lists at night, lists of the things that will at least get me off the couch the next day, if not out of the house; I rarely cross anything off those lists. I mean the dishes usually get done and I keep up with laundry but I hate myself like this. I'm totally disgusted with myself really.... which unfortunately leads me into this gross loop of doing nothing and feeling terrible about it, swearing to myself tomorrow will be different, sleeping too late and getting up feeling sluggish & lazy then doing nothing all over again. It's a very disappointing loop that, for some reason, I can't/won't/don't break free of; I know it all depends on ME yet I'm not taking much action to change it. Maybe just getting up at 6am will help... maybe.

I like having a life with a schedule. I don't mean that I want every hour of every day set in stone; I just need consistency in my routine I guess. I like going to work and knowing it will be the same schedule next week and the week after that and the week after that. I have WAY TOO MUCH free time right now and I don't know what to do with it. That's not true, I know what I should be doing but my self-loathing loop takes over from the moment I open my eyes and it takes a lot of effort to shake it... apparently more effort than I'm willing to put in lately.


Well, that was actually kind of easy. Let's see if I can keep going.


I bought a vaporizer 7 days ago because I really do want to quit smoking; it works pretty well and I do enjoy it. I've also bought 4 packs of cigarettes in the last 7 days, which is better than the 7 packs I would have bought in a normal week I guess (a small success), but I still count it as a failure when I smoke a butt. The vaporizing "juice" has nicotine in it so it does get rid of the urge to pull combusted chemicals into my body however, when stress gets high (or after a few beers) I want an actual cigarette; after a few more beers I chain smoke like a... well, like a chain smoker. It's not good. I wake up feeling like shit from all the butts and as a double-whammy with too many beers I'm soooooo dehydrated; this of course throws me into the sluggish, self-loathing loop mentioned above.

I'm well aware that the more I drink the more I smoke; I tried to quit both at the same time and that was just... well, unsuccessful, obviously. I've had 2 butts and 3 beers since I started writing... either because I drink fast, inviting more cigarettes or because I stop writing often to re-read and edit, take your pick, they're both true.


There was a time that I wrote everyday... honestly, sometimes belligerently, emotionally, sometimes entertaining, sometimes boring to readers... but it was therapeutic for me to work it out, put it down and get it out there... maybe this is just what I need right now.