I want to cook
I want to write
I want to cry
I want to smile
So hard.
Not hard like difficult, so hard like a want, a desire, a need....
I want to cook so hard, no one seems to feel it like I do. I get so excited about making a dish and when it's just for me it's awesome. Like RIGHT NOW, I am SO enjoying this late-night meal! Like BIG TIME. Cooking for other people can be such a disappointment... "onions are gross", "stuffing makes me puke", "I don't like chocolate chips" or "ewe, mushrooms" jeez, do you guys even food? ... whatever... I'll just make this meal production in seven different ways to please you... UGH
I want to write. For me it can be the best, most wonderful way to say what I need to say. Even if no one reads the damed stuff. It's a self soothing, therapeutic, healing way for me to work through big events and identify silly hormonal shifts. It gives me an outlet to say what I need to say when I don't really need to say it to anyone in particular. Also, in the end, I've let my fingers dance over the keyboard with enough freedom that I've probably acknowledged something I've been avoiding or accidentally stumbled across some deep rooted belief that's been holding me back somehow... BOOYA
I want to cry because well.. I don't really *want* to but it cleanses the soul and resets all the frustrations and complications that I feel in the moment.. sometimes I can't help it, I just cry over dumb things... I cry over small nothings, like someone doesn't want chocolate chips in their strawberry, chocolate chip waffles or there are big changes afoot, someone is pressuring me to do something outside my comfort zone or I can't help move the couch because my stupid fingers are small and I can't get a stupid grip on the stupid thing. Fucking hormones. GRRR
I want to smile.. and I will damnit.. I smile every time I hear him laugh. I smile at the sound of the ocean, the colors of fall and the I smile every time I can hear my neighbors celebrate.. I smile every time their sons ask if I need help with my groceries, every time their fathers make a comment about the weather, every time their daughters get dirty at the playground and every time their mothers shyly say hello wrapped in their hijabs. Best neighbors I've EVER had.
I want to hear
I want to see
I want to feel
I want to be
So hard.
But I'll leave those for another day.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Everything happens for a reason...
I've been having a tough few days; somewhere in my head I'm revisiting the past... I'm not living there, but it's there, running in the background when my mind in on autopilot, I catch myself every once in a while lately.
I'm grateful for all the distractions and tasks this week, I need them.
If you had asked me a year ago how life was, I would have said everything was great, I would have said that I was very happy and looking forward to the future. I also would have been lying through my teeth. Everything was terrible and I was more alone, anxious, fearful, depressed, disappointed, trapped, confused and more lost than I can remember ever having felt before.
A year ago I probably had the most terrifying night of my life.
I'm not one to play meek... usually. I'm not entirely un-confrontational usually either... But that night? that night I was sweet as pie, I said all the things that usually calmed him down, I pretended to be asleep, told him I wanted to just talk about anything... not fight. But that just made him more angry. He wanted to fight. No matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't going to be right so I ended up fighting for my life.
It was a nightmare. I can sometimes still feel his hot screaming breath and the spit on my face, I can still feel the hits to the head and feeling helpless with his hand around my neck and the pillow over my face.
I can feel the heat of my face and the sick trembling in my whole body trapped in the corner of the room.. I can feel the ache of a broken bone filling out the police report and the tightness in my stomach and the stab in the chest for weeks after.
I sometimes can't believe how different things are now. I've never felt as safe, respected and loved as I do now.
Hard times teach hard lessons.
Thank you, Love, for showing up exactly when you did... I understand now that maybe I needed to have the worst to appreciate the best.
I'm grateful for all the distractions and tasks this week, I need them.
If you had asked me a year ago how life was, I would have said everything was great, I would have said that I was very happy and looking forward to the future. I also would have been lying through my teeth. Everything was terrible and I was more alone, anxious, fearful, depressed, disappointed, trapped, confused and more lost than I can remember ever having felt before.
A year ago I probably had the most terrifying night of my life.
I'm not one to play meek... usually. I'm not entirely un-confrontational usually either... But that night? that night I was sweet as pie, I said all the things that usually calmed him down, I pretended to be asleep, told him I wanted to just talk about anything... not fight. But that just made him more angry. He wanted to fight. No matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't going to be right so I ended up fighting for my life.
It was a nightmare. I can sometimes still feel his hot screaming breath and the spit on my face, I can still feel the hits to the head and feeling helpless with his hand around my neck and the pillow over my face.
I can feel the heat of my face and the sick trembling in my whole body trapped in the corner of the room.. I can feel the ache of a broken bone filling out the police report and the tightness in my stomach and the stab in the chest for weeks after.
I sometimes can't believe how different things are now. I've never felt as safe, respected and loved as I do now.
Hard times teach hard lessons.
Thank you, Love, for showing up exactly when you did... I understand now that maybe I needed to have the worst to appreciate the best.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
trust me ;) I'm a Jessologist!
"I am consciously aware that I am unconsciously building a wall against what I fear could happen next, and I can't stop it."
~Jessica Jollotta (that is a direct quote from me, talking to myself, out loud, again...)
I've been studying Jessology with Awareness for roughly 6 years now and it has been a somewhat enlightening path. However, there is always the Voice that whispers sarcastically, "if you're so enlightened why do you still cause yourself such suffering?" Imagine the frustration that came with the realization that just acknowledging your habits or rituals is not enough to change them.
The Voice often asks important questions that should be addressed, but most of the time is a real ass hole... it seems to enjoy creating the illusion that there is a threat somewhere or compounding any negative thoughts which turn into unpleasant feelings which creates more negative thoughts and so on... the downward spiral. (we'll talk about the upward spiral another time)
It has been brought to my attention in recent months that, in all my self-studying, I failed to notice how much of an expert naysayer I had become; Ouch. **Keen eye, Ladd.** I wish you could see this! The Nopeology text is enormous! (It has every excuse you could imagine for not taking some kind of action. The expression "every excuse in the book" yeah, THAT book.) I'm carrying my copy of this obnoxious book around all the time! How do I not notice that I'm always using it?!
BUT there's this small pamphlet someone read to me once or twice that could turn Nopeology on it's ear with a few simple questions to squash any naysaying almost immediately. I need to get my hands on a copy of that little gem ;)
Okay, okay, I'm done with this foolishness.... for now
~Jessica Jollotta (that is a direct quote from me, talking to myself, out loud, again...)
I've been studying Jessology with Awareness for roughly 6 years now and it has been a somewhat enlightening path. However, there is always the Voice that whispers sarcastically, "if you're so enlightened why do you still cause yourself such suffering?" Imagine the frustration that came with the realization that just acknowledging your habits or rituals is not enough to change them.
The Voice often asks important questions that should be addressed, but most of the time is a real ass hole... it seems to enjoy creating the illusion that there is a threat somewhere or compounding any negative thoughts which turn into unpleasant feelings which creates more negative thoughts and so on... the downward spiral. (we'll talk about the upward spiral another time)
It has been brought to my attention in recent months that, in all my self-studying, I failed to notice how much of an expert naysayer I had become; Ouch. **Keen eye, Ladd.** I wish you could see this! The Nopeology text is enormous! (It has every excuse you could imagine for not taking some kind of action. The expression "every excuse in the book" yeah, THAT book.) I'm carrying my copy of this obnoxious book around all the time! How do I not notice that I'm always using it?!
BUT there's this small pamphlet someone read to me once or twice that could turn Nopeology on it's ear with a few simple questions to squash any naysaying almost immediately. I need to get my hands on a copy of that little gem ;)
Okay, okay, I'm done with this foolishness.... for now
Saturday, January 2, 2016
not-so-fuuny bone
It was bad. I've never been that scared before. I needed help and help came. Help came with it's own set of consequences.
I didn't know my heart had a 'funny bone'. At the top of each breath my heart sends out this painful tingle over and over and over again... it's like someone pulls the ground out from under you with each breath.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
The Wall
My soul hurts a bit tonight and I'm not sure why yet... that's not true, I have an idea...
But if I know me, and sometimes I do, it will come out before my fingers are done dancing across the keyboard... you might not know it, but I will have a glimpse of clarity... no matter how disturbing
I'm out of practice with this whole "blogging therapy" thing, so be patient.
I can feel something bubbling, just beneath the surface of consciousness, that will rip me to shreds.
I can hear something whispering, but not loud enough to comprehend.
I can taste something that lingers, it brings me to tears.
I can't see it yet... it's been hidden for years and years.
I need to figure this out before it swallows me whole.
But how do I address it without losing control?
I have these... moments... when if it's my idea, it's great... if it's not my idea, I hate it and after?... lately, I lose control, I can't help but break down; but he sees through my thick skin...
I'm a tough chick, I can take a lot of shit without losing it... I can take all these shitty moments and still keep it together. But he looks at me and can see right through The Wall.
I realize I'm not being specific here, and I don't find it necessary at the moment to be specific, so deal with it... suck it up buttercup, just like I do every day... this is MY blog, not yours. MY process. MY therapy.
That's all for now
:) have a nice day!
But if I know me, and sometimes I do, it will come out before my fingers are done dancing across the keyboard... you might not know it, but I will have a glimpse of clarity... no matter how disturbing
I'm out of practice with this whole "blogging therapy" thing, so be patient.
I can feel something bubbling, just beneath the surface of consciousness, that will rip me to shreds.
I can hear something whispering, but not loud enough to comprehend.
I can taste something that lingers, it brings me to tears.
I can't see it yet... it's been hidden for years and years.
I need to figure this out before it swallows me whole.
But how do I address it without losing control?
I have these... moments... when if it's my idea, it's great... if it's not my idea, I hate it and after?... lately, I lose control, I can't help but break down; but he sees through my thick skin...
I'm a tough chick, I can take a lot of shit without losing it... I can take all these shitty moments and still keep it together. But he looks at me and can see right through The Wall.
I realize I'm not being specific here, and I don't find it necessary at the moment to be specific, so deal with it... suck it up buttercup, just like I do every day... this is MY blog, not yours. MY process. MY therapy.
That's all for now
:) have a nice day!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Time to come clean
I thought it was about time that I came clean.
I have my faults as does everyone. I can be a raging bitch. I drink too much. I don't like cleaning up after anyone but myself and I honestly don't exactly enjoy that. Sometimes my fuse is short and sometimes I put up with way too much shit. I think about bringing my kids cat to a no-kill shelter on almost a daily basis because I'm sick of being the only one that takes care of her. When I make a meal (unless it's for company) I expect someone else to clean up after. I'm not creative in the bedroom and I can't pick a favorite color.
I have many more faults that I can't list at the moment and I'm sure that others could accurately add to my list... but I am more than my faults and I know I have more good qualities than bad.
There is one particular fault I'm talking about here though.
When I fall in love I dismiss all warning signs that it could be or is a toxic relationship. I lose all reason in those first few months.. in those months I'm not seeing a person for who they really are, I'm seeing the version of themselves that they present to me... that's the version I fall in love with. It's fake. It's my uninformed vision of who they are.
When I start to see him for who he really is it's too late for me.. I already have this idea in my head of who he is so when behaviors or habits start to show themselves, I ignore them. Racist, sexist, aggressive, nothing is their fault, violent, the lack of empathy and compassion, pessimistic, paranoid.
I don't exactly ignore those things but what I do is think that if I'm patient the man I thought he was will come back. It never happens though. No matter how patient I am, no matter how sweet, no matter how well I take care of him it doesn't go away... of course it doesn't, it's who he is.
After 3+ years I should have known better. After a lifetime of experience I really should have known better...
If I love him enough he'll stop hurting me... that's the big fat lie I tell myself. I'll never make the same mistake again... ever
I have my faults as does everyone. I can be a raging bitch. I drink too much. I don't like cleaning up after anyone but myself and I honestly don't exactly enjoy that. Sometimes my fuse is short and sometimes I put up with way too much shit. I think about bringing my kids cat to a no-kill shelter on almost a daily basis because I'm sick of being the only one that takes care of her. When I make a meal (unless it's for company) I expect someone else to clean up after. I'm not creative in the bedroom and I can't pick a favorite color.
I have many more faults that I can't list at the moment and I'm sure that others could accurately add to my list... but I am more than my faults and I know I have more good qualities than bad.
There is one particular fault I'm talking about here though.
When I fall in love I dismiss all warning signs that it could be or is a toxic relationship. I lose all reason in those first few months.. in those months I'm not seeing a person for who they really are, I'm seeing the version of themselves that they present to me... that's the version I fall in love with. It's fake. It's my uninformed vision of who they are.
When I start to see him for who he really is it's too late for me.. I already have this idea in my head of who he is so when behaviors or habits start to show themselves, I ignore them. Racist, sexist, aggressive, nothing is their fault, violent, the lack of empathy and compassion, pessimistic, paranoid.
I don't exactly ignore those things but what I do is think that if I'm patient the man I thought he was will come back. It never happens though. No matter how patient I am, no matter how sweet, no matter how well I take care of him it doesn't go away... of course it doesn't, it's who he is.
After 3+ years I should have known better. After a lifetime of experience I really should have known better...
If I love him enough he'll stop hurting me... that's the big fat lie I tell myself. I'll never make the same mistake again... ever
a year ago yesterday
Monday, July 13, 2015
so I drink.
I had a piece of toast late this morning, then at 2:30 I had my first of a still undetermined amount of beers on a very empty stomach... I've been trying (well attempting to try but really just feeling guilty that I'm not trying hard enough) and I shouldn't have even checked to see if Killians Irish Red was on sale when I was at the store.. but I did... and it was...
so I drink.
At first drinking was just social... then a way to unwind with my boyfriend; later it was mostly psychological, I "needed" it to relax out of habit at that point. Now it's psychological and scarily physical. When I don't drink my head hurts, heart pump harder, my legs are jumpy and my hands are shaking by 4:30 then I can't sleep at night; I can't seem to just have one so I cave. I'm old enough to purchase alcohol, I have money in my wallet, I want it and no one is here to talk to and help me work myself out of it. And so it goes.
so I drink.
I'm unhappy and the first couple drinks helps me to dismiss, temporarily, what I'm thinking/feeling, at least that's what I've apparently convinced myself of.. but it doesn't take long for the alcohol to amplify the very thoughts and emotions I was trying to avoid in the first place... I feel like even more of a failure, even more alone.. even with people in the room with me, still no one to talk to. No one to understand how I'm feeling, no one to look at the bright side, no one to plan a future with...
so I drink..
I'm a social person.. what I mean is I like to talk to people, the right people, not just anyone... sorry. when I'm working I get to know my co-workers and I let them see who I am... outside of work I have a small variety of personalities to mingle with and get to know... that's the way I like it... but these days I don't speak to anyone. all. day. long. I'm silent and alone. I feel trapped but can't seem to muster the motivation to do anything about it. None of my usual people are available and the one that is available still isn't really available; it feels like no one cares. I have no one to talk to and it's driving me crazy.. I'm not happy at all, about anything...
so I drink.
I've talked to friends about it, my dad, my boyfriend... I think I've done as much as I can to call out for help besides having a complete breakdown or having a drunk-driving accident. (I don't drink and drive anymore thanks to this perverse addiction; it's cheap and easy to drink at home.. it's not for your safety or mine, I do feel bad about that, really) Dad has been around more lately and is very supportive but somehow it's not the same as having in-house support... it just seems like the people I live in close proximity to would care the most? I guess not...
so I drink.
I started counseling (a nice step in the right direction, I think) and at the first meeting we made a high estimate of how many bottles of beer I drink in a week, 70. The goal was to cut that in half, 35... I said, feeling somewhat optimistic, let's go with 30! *bubbly smiley face* Honestly, I would have said 40 if I had remembered I was going out on a boat that coming weekend to watch the fireworks, just because I knew I would probably be drinking more than usual being a social environment and all. I didn't meet my goal of 30... it was more like 40-45ish... certainly less than 50... better than 60 or 70... it still feels like a failure...
so I drink.
I decided to go back to school... Bachelors in Environmental Science seems like a good choice.. I am more than interested in the subject and have studied it a bit while I worked on the Associates in Business degree... I know I can do it and I know I can do it well... that's what I told myself last week anyway.. now I'm not so sure I can stop drinking so my brain works right... I KNOW I CAN DO IT!.. but I can't do it like this... I'm such a disappointment...
so I drink.
I'm trying to stay positive.. I'm trying to do better.. I'm trying to find something to do.. I'm trying to cope in a healthy way.. I just don't think I'm trying hard enough.. I reach out and try to just be my own strange version of "normal" and it doesn't work. I feel bad the only meaningful daily conversations I have are with my 15yr old son (and it's not his place to help me) which makes me feel worse...
so I drink.
tomorrow will be another day... another day being hungover, disappointed and self-sabotaging.. another day that I can't talk to anyone, I won't be heard or understood... another day that I won't answer the phone, another day that I'll accomplish nothing... another day that I know nothing in my life is right...
so, tonight, I drink.
so I drink.
At first drinking was just social... then a way to unwind with my boyfriend; later it was mostly psychological, I "needed" it to relax out of habit at that point. Now it's psychological and scarily physical. When I don't drink my head hurts, heart pump harder, my legs are jumpy and my hands are shaking by 4:30 then I can't sleep at night; I can't seem to just have one so I cave. I'm old enough to purchase alcohol, I have money in my wallet, I want it and no one is here to talk to and help me work myself out of it. And so it goes.
so I drink.
I'm unhappy and the first couple drinks helps me to dismiss, temporarily, what I'm thinking/feeling, at least that's what I've apparently convinced myself of.. but it doesn't take long for the alcohol to amplify the very thoughts and emotions I was trying to avoid in the first place... I feel like even more of a failure, even more alone.. even with people in the room with me, still no one to talk to. No one to understand how I'm feeling, no one to look at the bright side, no one to plan a future with...
so I drink..
I'm a social person.. what I mean is I like to talk to people, the right people, not just anyone... sorry. when I'm working I get to know my co-workers and I let them see who I am... outside of work I have a small variety of personalities to mingle with and get to know... that's the way I like it... but these days I don't speak to anyone. all. day. long. I'm silent and alone. I feel trapped but can't seem to muster the motivation to do anything about it. None of my usual people are available and the one that is available still isn't really available; it feels like no one cares. I have no one to talk to and it's driving me crazy.. I'm not happy at all, about anything...
so I drink.
I've talked to friends about it, my dad, my boyfriend... I think I've done as much as I can to call out for help besides having a complete breakdown or having a drunk-driving accident. (I don't drink and drive anymore thanks to this perverse addiction; it's cheap and easy to drink at home.. it's not for your safety or mine, I do feel bad about that, really) Dad has been around more lately and is very supportive but somehow it's not the same as having in-house support... it just seems like the people I live in close proximity to would care the most? I guess not...
so I drink.
I started counseling (a nice step in the right direction, I think) and at the first meeting we made a high estimate of how many bottles of beer I drink in a week, 70. The goal was to cut that in half, 35... I said, feeling somewhat optimistic, let's go with 30! *bubbly smiley face* Honestly, I would have said 40 if I had remembered I was going out on a boat that coming weekend to watch the fireworks, just because I knew I would probably be drinking more than usual being a social environment and all. I didn't meet my goal of 30... it was more like 40-45ish... certainly less than 50... better than 60 or 70... it still feels like a failure...
so I drink.
I decided to go back to school... Bachelors in Environmental Science seems like a good choice.. I am more than interested in the subject and have studied it a bit while I worked on the Associates in Business degree... I know I can do it and I know I can do it well... that's what I told myself last week anyway.. now I'm not so sure I can stop drinking so my brain works right... I KNOW I CAN DO IT!.. but I can't do it like this... I'm such a disappointment...
so I drink.
I'm trying to stay positive.. I'm trying to do better.. I'm trying to find something to do.. I'm trying to cope in a healthy way.. I just don't think I'm trying hard enough.. I reach out and try to just be my own strange version of "normal" and it doesn't work. I feel bad the only meaningful daily conversations I have are with my 15yr old son (and it's not his place to help me) which makes me feel worse...
so I drink.
tomorrow will be another day... another day being hungover, disappointed and self-sabotaging.. another day that I can't talk to anyone, I won't be heard or understood... another day that I won't answer the phone, another day that I'll accomplish nothing... another day that I know nothing in my life is right...
so, tonight, I drink.
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